SUPER-EXTRA

It’s cloudy. I know the weatherman said its 81 degrees and sunny. But he has no jurisdiction on the storms going on inside of me. I attended a wake yesterday. My good neighbor passed away at 71. I grew up talking to him. He had 7 cars at one time. He paid me my first $20 for cutting his yard. He called the ambulance when I had a serious accident. He has known me all my life and now I’m looking down at him in a casket. I said my final good bye and went to the back of the church to sit down. 5 minutes later the family came in. I watched his wife walk up to the casket with two women escorting her. I watched her wipe away her tears as she looked down at her husband. Then she finally sat down. I sat in the back row as long as I could. I kept looking at the family and the casket. I kept looking around. Something was building inside of me. I had to get out of there. I pulled off and away from the church minutes later. I lasted only 15 minutes in that church. I wanted to speak to the wife. I wanted her to know I was there, but it was too much. My father was buried on June 27^th, 1994. It’s been 15 years and I still struggle with his death. I was at the hospital when my pops died. I felt him take his last breath. I heard the last tick of the breathalyzer. One day my friend started talking about my father’s wake and I had to make them tell me everything because I had no clue what they were talking about. I realized my mind had blocked all of it out. I don’t remember where his wake took place. I don’t remember going there. I don’t remember leaving the church. I had erased every memory of the hours leading up to my father’s final resting place. Today that conversation with my friend has also been removed. All of it is a blur once again.  The mind is powerful. But I feel the pain every time I step into a hospital. I feel the sadness every time I try to go to a funeral. The pain and sadness remains. My mind cannot protect me from that. I miss him.

You take your medicine today?
No, I’m not talking about the pills for your cold or allergies.
I’m talking about the real medicine.
You don’t eat constantly because you hungry. You eat because you are sad.
You don’t get drunk everynight because you like to drink. You get drunk everynight to escape your thoughts.
You don’t abuse yourself because it’s a habit. You abuse yourself because the physical pain draws your mind away from your emotional pain.
You don’t have sex with every person you come across because you are horny, maybe some of you, but others crave the attention they never recieved growing up from their parent(s).
MEDICATION to dull the pain.
Find the cause of your pain in order to heal.
All medication only treats the symptoms, it does not treat the cause.
Find out the cause in order to begin healing yourself.
Many of us are just cruising through life. We do not take time to reflect on our actions.
We do not have the courage to look at ourselves in the mirror as we truly are.
We only see the reflection we are prepared to accept.

Switch your prescription

Stop disguising your hurt and pain as anger/hatred.
Confront or forgive the person(s) who caused you pain so you can get it out of your system.
Find somone you trust to talk too.
Find a support group.
Change your scenery.
Try the library instead of the bar.
Take a walk in the park instead of sitting on the couch.
Surround yourself with positive people so you can start replacing
the bad memories with good ones.

Medication for the Soul.

Someone said a blog is suppose to have misspelled words and broken language and generally bad grammar. I agree if you never plan on sharing your blog with anyone else. I decided I want to share my blog. I want to share my thoughts. Maybe someone can learn from them. Maybe someone can give some insight and positively influence me or visitors to the site.  My message or idea is not good if the reader cannot comprehend it. The job of a writer is to convey a message that the reader can comprehend. A common language is needed to convey my message to the reader. Good grammar is necessary in order to get my message across. I want people to understand my thoughts exactly how they are, not necessarily how I would say it in person. The reader is priority. The message is no good if the reader does not get the message. This is the difference between a ‘personal’ and a ‘public’ blog. The writer of a personal blog writes for themselves. The writer of a public blog writes for the reader. The thoughts maybe the same, but the message must be delivered with the reader in mind in a public blog. Otherwise, the purpose of a public blog is defeated.