I wish I had vacation spot. Somewhere I can unload all my burdens. I can just go there and forget about my troubles at home. I would find peace there. Maybe meet someone that provides all my needs. It would be my home away from home. I would get comfortable. Enjoy everything the spot had to offer. And just go back home during the rainy season because I know it will be there whenever I decide to come back. A vacation spot.
It’s cloudy. I know the weatherman said its 81 degrees and sunny. But he has no jurisdiction on the storms going on inside of me. I attended a wake yesterday. My good neighbor passed away at 71. I grew up talking to him. He had 7 cars at one time. He paid me my first $20 for cutting his yard. He called the ambulance when I had a serious accident. He has known me all my life and now I’m looking down at him in a casket. I said my final good bye and went to the back of the church to sit down. 5 minutes later the family came in. I watched his wife walk up to the casket with two women escorting her. I watched her wipe away her tears as she looked down at her husband. Then she finally sat down. I sat in the back row as long as I could. I kept looking at the family and the casket. I kept looking around. Something was building inside of me. I had to get out of there. I pulled off and away from the church minutes later. I lasted only 15 minutes in that church. I wanted to speak to the wife. I wanted her to know I was there, but it was too much. My father was buried on June 27th, 1994. It’s been 15 years and I still struggle with his death. I was at the hospital when my pops died. I felt him take his last breath. I heard the last tick of the breathalyzer. One day my friend started talking about my father’s wake and I had to make them tell me everything because I had no clue what they were talking about. I realized my mind had blocked all of it out. I don’t remember where his wake took place. I don’t remember going there. I don’t remember leaving the church. I had erased every memory of the hours leading up to my father’s final resting place. Today that conversation with my friend has also been removed. All of it is a blur once again. The mind is powerful. But I feel the pain every time I step into a hospital. I feel the sadness every time I try to go to a funeral. The pain and sadness remains. My mind cannot protect me from that. I miss him.